It's that time of year. People are the worst so it's always that time of year, but with the holidays coming up, it's especially that time of year when the porch pirates are out in full force. These five finger thieves aren't just swiping packages off of porches anymore, they are now even attempting to steal things out of mailboxes which is an even worse crime.

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People are the worst: Recently, I caught a few girls going through my mailbox because we had a package in there that they noticed. Not only did my Ring doorbell camera catch them, but I also caught them too on the second pass.

As an "almost victim" of a federal crime, it prompted me to do my public service and remind you that these jerk mouths are out there.

What Is A Porch Pirate?

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• Porch Pirate: Someone who is a big piece of crap who goes to people's homes and steals packages left at the front door by USPS, UPS, FedEx, Amazon, etc.

• The Worst of the Worst: They think it's a good idea to steal stuff from others while they aren't home. They are garbage humans who think they can get away with anything. Hopefully, they get the Karma they deserve like the lady in the video above.

What's worse than people who steal things off of front porches and doorways? People who steal from mailboxes. The crime is a lot worse than stealing from a porch and the punishment could mean prison time.

Why Is It Worse To Steal Out Of A Mailbox?

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• Who steals things from a mailbox?!: It's a freaking mailbox for goodness' sake. But stealing from a mailbox, a piece of federally protected property could land you in prison.

• A Major Crime: Stealing out of a mailbox is a major federal offense. 18 U.S. Code § 1708 reads:

"Whoever steals, takes, or abstracts, or by fraud or deception obtains any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein which has been left for collection upon or adjacent to a collection box or other authorized depository of mail matter... Shall be fined (up to $250,000) under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both."

• Porch Pirate vs. Mail Mischief: For you thieves out there, a porch pirate will only land you a slap on the wrist (if you get caught), while people who steal from mailboxes could get you some solid prison time. In short, a porch or doorstep isn't federally protected but a mailbox is.

For these girls to even stick their hands in my mailbox could even prompt an investigation. Luckily for them, I'll just blast them on the internet.

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How To Prevent Your Packages From Being Stolen

• Protect Your Package(s): No, this isn't a condom PSA, it's a PSA to help you keep your Christmas gifts safe this holiday season.

Fortunately but unfortunately, there are companies that create lockboxes and containers for your packages left on your porch or doorstep. Pictured above is a ParcelWirX box that cost a little over $150 from Walmart. If you're getting hundreds of dollars of packages sent to your house this year, it might be a good idea to invest in something like this.

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It's 2022, Everyone Has Cameras Dumbass

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• Get A Doorbell Camera: It's 2022, if you don't have cameras for your house or at least a doorbell camera, go buy one. With Black Friday and Cyber Monday coming up, those things are going to be cheap as hell.

• Ring Doorbells Are Cheap: If you can't wait that long, get a Ring Doorbell now because they start at $39.99. That's a great deal to protect your package...s.

Don't Steal From Radio DJs, Connor Kenney, Connor Kenney

• Radio DJs Like To Tell Stories: There are two types of people you should never steal from:

  1. Police officers
  2. Radio DJs

Radio DJs have a microphone and big mouths. Recently, I had a couple of girls go through my mailbox. They were walking in the middle of my street while pushing a stroller with a baby in it! As they passed by my mailbox, one girl noticed a package in our mailbox. One girl opened it up while the other decided to do a weird dance WHILE LOOKING AT MY RING DOORBELL.

Seriously, how stupid.

•  Awesome Neighbor: Luckily, one of the neighborhood girls told her to "stop! Girl, leave their package alone!" Thank you to her for telling her "friends" to not be criminals. The girl who opened my mailbox said "I'll let them keep it. I'll let them keep their package." After they left, you could hear someone faintly say, "get it when we head back."

What they didn't know was that I was actually home and about to go get my daughter.

• Speaking of my daughter, the package they were going to take was a package that had toys and a winter coat for my daughter. They were literally about to steal from a baby.

• While I was home, I heard someone yell "don't be an a--hole!" Since I was leaving, I decided to check out the window to see what was going on, and lo and behold, the same girl that was pushing the stroller with her hand in my mailbox and the back of my mailbox popped open with the package sticking out.

•  Surprise! I walked out my front door and the fear on this girl's face was priceless. About to be caught red-handed, she looked up at me and said "you have a package, I was just pushing it back in there for you." I responded with a simple "thanks" and they took off really quickly.

The neighborhood girl told me that her friends wouldn't steal anything. I asked "are you sure about that?" and she defended them. Hopefully, she sees this and doesn't hang out with them anymore.

• Quad Cities Porch Pirates/Mail Mischiefs: Yes, these crap bags exist in our communities. Even if you live in a "quiet neighborhood" in the Quad Cities, they still have cars, bikes, and legs to go to where you live and take your stuff.

• Protect your stuff, Quad Cities: Don't let your hard-earned money get swept off of your porch or doorstep this holiday season, and let these sticky finger freaks ruin Christmas for your family.

Here are a few more ways to protect your parcels this holiday season and all year long:

  • Invest in cameras
  • Send packages to your place of work
  • Ask your trusted neighbors to collect packages
  • Get notifications when packages arrive at your house
  • Put a stop to mail while on vacation
  • Move to the country where the closest neighbor is 15 miles away


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